Healing and Learning
by McCoyMedical
Summary: The war is over, but a struggle still remains for Hitsugaya. After losing his arm in battle, he must learn a new way of living, regain his conncetion with Hyorinmaru, and most of all, understand his feelings for Kurosaki Ichigo, his feelings of love.
1. Chapter 1

_To the soul, there is hardly anything more healing than friendship._

_Thomas Moore_

**CHAPTER 1: **

**Feelings **

I wasn't sure where I was. My mind was fuzzy and my eyes were heavy. I tried to move, but nothing really happened. Soon I began to hear noises. I couldn't make out what it was and there were several of them. Words? Were those words I heard? I couldn't understand what they were saying; I only caught pieces of it. I tried to find my voice. Nothing. Damn it. What happened? Am I dead? What was I doing before this? As I lay there and time marched on, I began to remember.

Aizen, war, blood, Halibel, shouts, wind, ground, pain, tears, names, gasps, laughs, Gin, light, cold, fear, yells, grips, movement, darkness.

My eyes shot open and I gasped for air. The sudden view of light burned my eyes. I went to cover my eyes with my hands, but found only my left hand came up. Was my right broken? I suddenly felt a wave of pain and I shot up. My left hand went to grab my right arm, but I found myself grabbing my side instead. What the hell? I cracked my eye open to see what was going on, only for them to shot open again. My right arm was gone. But how? It felt as if it was still there? There was a wave of pain again and I didn't even know I was screaming until I felt hands on me.

I must've fallen asleep because I awoke with a little more strength. It was quiet. I slowly sat up. The pain wasn't as bad as it was before. It was also dark. I mean I could see my hands, well, hand, but otherwise it was dark. I took in slow, deep breaths. I turned my head to the right. Yup, no arm. I began to remember what had happened. Halibel had released her zanpakto. After that, everything was in fragments. I sighed and shifted under the sheets, swinging my legs over the edge. I slowly put weight on my legs. It took me about a minute before I could stand with wobbling. I opened the door slowly and peeked outside. I was in the Fourth Division, which didn't surprise me. What did surprise me was that it was quiet. I slipped out and walked. I wasn't really sure where I was going, especially since I was only in pants and hand bandages nearly all over. I found myself by a lake. I sat down and placed my legs in the water, it felt good since my legs were aching; my right leg was killing me. I rubbed my right shoulder. Tears began to sting my eyes and I quickly rubbed them away. Why was I getting so worked up? It was just an arm. It wasn't like a life or anything, was it? I mean, it affected how I would do some things, but otherwise it was just an arm. I felt myself shaking. What the fuck is wrong with me?

"What are you doing here?" I hear a voice say. I flinch and turn around.

"Kurosaki?"

"You should be resting, considering what happened a few hours ago," Ichigo said as he came and sat beside me. I'm assuming he's talking about when I first woke up. I noticed that he too had no shirt and was bandaged quite heavily as well. I'd say we were equally damaged. Of course, he had both arms. Damn it, what the fuck, it's just an arm. Normally I enjoyed silence, but this silence was hurting me.

"You look like you should be resting too," I said quietly, he obviously heard me, cause he blushed a little.

"Well, yeah, but…I……" He huffed and looked away.

I pulled my legs out of the water, wrapped my arm around them, and buried my head in my knees. Why am I feeling this way?

"Are you okay?" Ichigo asked me. What a stupid question. I didn't answer. I heard him stand up. "We should be getting back; we'll probably get in trouble." He placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Don't touch me!" I shouted. I wish I hadn't. Not only because Ichigo didn't do anything wrong, but because my voice was cracked and tears slid down my cheeks. Forget this, I don't care anymore. I buried my face in my knees again and cried. I felt Ichigo touch me again, his arms wrapping around me. Soon I was lifted off the ground. I didn't protest, I didn't yell or shout. I kind of welcomed it. Ichigo had picked me up like a child, and instinctively I wrapped like legs around his waist and my arm around his neck. I cried into his shoulder. I felt his hand rubbing my back and his soft shushes in my ear. I felt my feet touch cloth, that's when I realized he was sitting on a bed. I hadn't even noticed the room. I didn't want him to see my face so I kept my face buried in his shoulder. Then I heard something. Was that a giggle? I suddenly felt his lean back into the bed. So basically he was lying down and I was on him. I wiggled my left arm free from under his head and held it close against my chest. I was wondering if I was hurting him with my weight, but then again I probably don't weight much to him. The rhythm of his chest moving up and down made me drowsy. His arms were still around me and it made me feel…safe.

I unburied my face and laid my head on his shoulder. I took a glance up and saw that his eyes were closed. He also had a very small smile on his face. I wondered why, but I soon found my eyelids to be very heavy. I felt as if I was being rocked to sleep on his chest by every breath he took. His warm body felt so good for reasons unknown to me. And to hear his heartbeat, a heartbeat that I hoped would never die away.

I woke up alone. I had to say I was quite disappointed. I had wanted to talk to Kurosaki. About what, I really don't know, but I did know I wanted to be with him. I felt something when I was around him, but I wasn't sure what that feeling was. A few minutes later, Unohana had come in to check up on me. She went through her usual routine, asked me how I felt, where it hurt, and so on. Then she had told me what had happened after I was injured. To be honest, I didn't hear much. I heard that Kurosaki had returned to the real world, that there was an espada cero, everyone survived somehow, and that Orihime healed me. That's where I stopped her. She had told me what happened to me. I had lost my entire right side. I asked her how, how was I alive. She told me about Orihime and her power. That girl's pretty amazing. She told me how my right arm wouldn't heal, wouldn't return. That puzzled me. Why was that? I thanked her and left.

Soul Society was quiet. I figured because everyone was still recuperating. I heard that Matsumoto and Hinamori had been released from the day before. So far I hadn't run into them. I walked with my head down and ignored anyone who greeted me or tried to talk to me. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to be alone.

Well…that wasn't completely true. I did want to be with Kurosaki. I haven't seen him since I fell asleep last night. I found myself back at the lake. I sighed and sat down against a tree. I pulled my legs up to my chest and buried my face in them, something I was doing a lot lately. I don't know how much time passed until I heard footsteps.

"How are you feeling?" a voice said. I was both happy and angry to that he was here.

Happy because I didn't want to be alone all of a sudden.

Angry because now I'll have to talk, I don't want to talk. I did the best shrug I could while keeping my face buried, hoping he got the message.

"Don't wanna talk, eh?" Thankfully he did. I heard him take a seat and sigh. Exactly what I did, except in the opposite order. "You don't mind if I just talk, right?" he asked. I shrugged again, I didn't mind hearing his voice, and it made me feel safe for some reason. I was really confused why I felt this way with Kurosaki. It's not like we were friends. Comrades, yes, but not close enough to get called friends.

"I can't believe the war is over." He began. "It kinda feels like a dream. It's also amazing that no one got killed. When I was told that, it was the first time cried in a while. To know that everyone was okay,"

Except me. I'm not okay. Something's bothering me and I don't know what the fuck it is. Suddenly a cool wind blew and sent a chill down my spine.

Then it hit me like an iron fist in the face.

Where was Hyorinmaru?

My head shot up.

"Where is he?" I whispered.

"Where's who?"

"Hyorinmaru. Where's Hyorinmaru?!" I began to shout. I was frantic. I couldn't feel Hyorinamru's presence. "Where is he?!"

"Oi, oi, calm down." Kurosaki put his hands on my shoulders. "I'll take you to him, just calm down."

As we walked I grabbed onto the back of Kurosaki's shirt, frightened that I might get separated from him. I didn't care at all the people looking at me; I just cared about getting to Hyorinmaru. I bumped into Kurosaki as we stopped outside the Twelfth Division.

"Why'd we stop?" I asked then noticed. I saw that Ukitake was standing outside the Division as well.

"I thought you were headed this way, Hitsugaya-kun," he said with a small smile.

"Ukitake-san," He looked tired.

"Come I'll take you to him." He said and began to walk in. I began to follow him then stopped. I had noticed Kurosaki wasn't following. "What are you waiting for, come on!" He looked surprised, but followed me in. I don't really know why I asked him to come. Maybe it was because he helped me get here. I don't know, but I did know I wanted his company.

When Ukitake brought me to the room where Hyorinmaru was being kept, I felt strange. I felt tears beginning to form in my eyes. I felt empty, weak, and when I saw Hyorinmaru, I felt broken. Hyorinmaru was nothing but a hilt.

'_Toshiro' _ I heard a weak voice say. I gently picked up Hyorinmaru.

"Toshiro, are you alright?" Kurosaki asked, was he concerned about me?

I sniffed slightly. "Yeah, I'm alright." I turned around. "Thank you for taking me here Kurosaki. Ukitake, if it's alright, may I take Hyroinmaru with me?"

"Of course."

"Thank you," I bowed then quickly walked passed them, holding Hyorinmaru close to my chest.

The next morning I sat in my office, staring out the window. There was a soft knocking at my door.

"Toshiro? Are you in there?" said a voice.

"Kurosaki?" I said quietly "Yes, come in."

He opened the door and gave me a soft smile. I found myself returning it. Strange. I looked away at my hands, they suddenly became very interesting. "What can I do for you?"

"Um, nothing really. I just wanted to ask you something."

I looked up at him, was he blushing?

"I'm going home today." he said.

"Oh," I felt a little disappointed hearing that. Would I miss Kurosaki?

"I was wondering if you'd like to come with me?"

"What?"

"I mean, things are peaceful here, but you seem a little tense. I thought that maybe some time away from here might help relax a bit. I mean I understand things are going to be different for you." My hand automatically went up to my right shoulder. "Maybe I can help you out a lit--"

"Kurosaki..."

"Huh?"

I studied Kurosaki for a little, then smiled softly.

"That sounds nice."

"Heh, so you wanna come." The mood seemed to have lifted a little.

"I'd like to, but I have to ask the Soutaicho permission first."

"I already did that, he said that sounded fine!"

"You already....." I just stared at him. Could he have known what I was going to say? I felt the heat rushing to my face. It was this feeling again.

"I'll help you pack, if that's okay?"

"Uh, yeah, thanks."

I walked with Kurosaki to the gate. We had run into Matsumoto and Hinamori on the way there. I was happy they were okay. They were a little upset that I would be gone for a little, but I told them it wouldn't be that long.

"Hold my hand," Kurosaki said as the gate opened.

"What?" I asked, why would he ask something like that?

"Wouldn't wanna get separated now would we?" He said.

"Oh, um, yeah." I slowly took his hand. It was warm and strong, yet his grip was so gentle.

"Ready?"

"Y-yeah."

We jumped into the gate. It was then when I figured out what I was feeling.

It was love.

Love for Kurosaki.

I was in love with Kurosaki Ichigo.


	2. Chapter 2

_The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love.  
Hubert H. Humphrey_

**Chapter 2**

"Can I get you anything else?" I was pulled out of my thoughts by the sudden question.

"Uh, no thank you, the tea is enough," I said. We were at Orihime's. I had wanted to thank her, for saving me. Things were a little awkward, but before I knew it she was pulling me and Kurosaki in to stay for some tea.

"Things have been quiet lately," she said "but I guess when you consider everything that's happened, that's actually a good thing."

I wasn't really sure what to say. Like with Kurosaki, I was nothing more then a comrade, but she treated me as a long time friend.

"I'm sorry," she said suddenly. My head shot up.

"What?"

"I'm sorry I couldn't heal your arm."

"N-no, it's not your fault. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be alive. Hell, I wouldn't even be walking."

"It was just so strange." she said as she placed her cup down. "It was as if something was blocking me, pushing me away."

My hand went up to my shoulder, it did that a lot lately.

"I didn't come here to hear you beat yourself up over this, Orihime-chan. I came to thank you, I owe you my life." I looked down.

"I think we should get going," Kurosaki said. "It's getting late and we still need to get you a gigai. Thank you, Orihime."

"Thank you," and we left without another word.

We walked silently in the night, our footsteps echoing in the once silent world. Street lights led our way, some flickering, others not working. A light was still on in Urahara's shop.

"Oi, Urahara," Kurosaki as he slid open the door. A man appeared in the door in the back of the shop.

"Ah, Ichigo, what can I do for you?"

Ichigo moved to the side to reveal me. I looked up at the shop owner. His face softened.

"I'll be right back," he said and disappeared.

The gigai was a little uncomfortable at first.

"How are you feeling, Hitsugaya-kun?" Urahara asked.

"A little tired."

"You look it," Kurosaki said as he placed a hand on my shoulder. "Shall we get going then?"

"Sure. Thank you," I said and bowed to Urahara.

Once again we were walking the dark streets. When we reached his house, he took out his keys and opened the door. He explained before when we dropped off my bags here before we went to Orihime's that his family was away on their yearly camping trip. They would be gone for a good month. I thought that was pretty long to just be camping, then he explained it was this whole club/group thing with a bunch of other families.

"Um, you can stay in my room if you'd like, but you'd have to sleep in the closet. That's where Rukia usually went, so it's all set and ready. Or, you can sleep in my sister's room if you feel more comfortable." Kurosaki said.

"Kurosaki---" He cut me off.

"OKAY! Let's get one thing straight!" he looked a little annoyed. "I've been dealing with it, but now I'm sick of it. My name is Ichigo! Call me Ichigo! Kurosaki is to formal and stuff." He waved a hand in the air.

"Uh, okay, I-Ichigo," I was a little rattled by his sudden outburst.

"Um, I'm sorry," he said smiling softly, rubbing the back of his head "I didn't mean to shout."

"It's okay," I said. I took a look around his room and spotted the closet. I opened it and saw the futon, pillow and blanket all ready for anyone who can fit.

"Like I said, you can sleep where you want."

I was debating what to do. Would it seem weird that I'd want to stay in Ichigo's room when there was a perfectly good one just down the hall? Would he wonder why I chose here even though he gave me a choice?

"Toshiro." I jumped a little at the sound of my name. "I'm going to take a quick shower and you can go in when I'm done if you'd like. Or if you're that tired just go to sleep. You look really tired." Ichigo said as he gathered up his pajama's and head to the bathroom, he stopped before he left. "Make yourself at home," he said.

I was left alone, well, at least I thought I was.

"_'Make yourself at home'_" said a mocking voice. I turned around quickly, slipping on my own two feet hard onto the ground. "He's never said that to me before!"

I stared at a drawer that suddenly opened. A lion doll looked quite pissed as it poked its head out.

"Not once have I gotten any type of treatment, or offers. No, I just get shoved in this drawer all day. I don't even get to leave the house! All I get is---"

"You're that mod soul aren't you?" I interrupted its rants.

"Hey, the names Kon," it said as he jumped out and walked towards me. "Hmm, you don't look so good. What're ya gonna be sick or something?" he said. He was right, I didn't feel good at all and I felt like I was gonna throw up at any moment.

"Man, you really don't look good." I put my hand to my mouth and closed my eyes.

"Oh man," Kon said. "Ichigo! ICHIGO!" I heard him cry. I suddenly felt a waste basket shoved under me and I gripped it tightly as I emptied the contents of my stomach, not that that was very much. I felt a hand rubbing my back, it was slightly wet as well. I noticed I was shaking really bad.

"It's okay, you're okay. Come on," Ichigo helped me off the floor, I was still clutching the basket. He brought me to the bathroom. He pulled away the basket and placed me by the sink.

"Here, rinse your mouth," he said, he put the cold water on for me. The icy water felt good against my face and down my throat. I noticed Ichigo had left, probably to get rid of the basket. I turned the water off and sat down on the bathroom floor.

"Hey," Ichigo said as he knelt down next to me. I can feel my face burn up as I noticed he was in nothing but a towel and soaking wet. He placed a hand on my forehead.

"Shit, you're really burning up," he said. No, that was only because we were in a steamy bathroom and the blood was rushing to my face I thought.

"Come on, we gotta get that fever down a little," he said as he put the shower on.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"You're fevers pretty high, I don't want it to get worse. You don't mind do you, if I help you, I don't want you to slip or anything." I think I only understood half of what he meant, but before I could stop myself I was shaking my head no. He helped me undress myself and there we stood, both naked, both slightly red in the face.

"Come on," he said as he took a hold of my arm and helped me into the shower. The icy water felt wonderful. I closed my eyes and let the feeling engulf me, that was until I heard clattering teeth. I opened my eyes and saw Ichigo shivering and covered in goosebumps.

"Ichigo you--"

"N-n-n-n-no, I-I'm okay," he said through clenched teeth.

"Ichigo, you're going to get sick."

Y-y-y-you are s-sick," he said.

I lowered the cold water and put some more warm water in. Although the nice cool feeling was gone, Ichigo had stopped shivering as the lukewarm water hit his skin.

"Ah, thanks."

He helped me clean myself up. Neither of us talked through the awkwardness. He helped me out, dried, and get dress. Things that were hard to do with just one hand. When we were both dressed we went to his room. Kon had fallen asleep on Ichigo's desk.

"Why don't you sleep in my bed for tonight, I'll get a cool cloth for you, and I just gotta clean up the water in the hall."

Before I could protest he had left. I stood in the middle of his room. I couldn't possibly take Ichigo's bed. So, instead I slipped into the closet, laying down. It was actually very comfortable.

"Huh, Toshiro?"

"Here," I said. He turned around, cloth in hand, along with a glass of water and pills.

"What are you doing? I said you can use my bed." He walked over.

"Then you'd have no where to sleep." I said simply.

"There's like three vacant beds in the house, let alone all the beds in the clinic." He said with a shrug.

"I'm fine in here, really." He didn't look convinced but sighed.

"Fine. Here, take these, they'll help with the fever." He place the pills in my hand and waited until they were in my mouth to hand me the water.

"Thanks," I said and laid down. He placed the cloth across my forehead.

"Open or closed?" he asked. It took me a moment to figure out what he meant.

"Open, please."

I watched as he walked over to his bed, first placing Kon gently in the drawer.

"Wake me up if you need anything, okay?"

"Okay."

He smiled at me. "Good night."

"Good night."

I laid awake for a few minutes. Thinking about my feelings for Ichigo. They haven't changed, if anything they grew deeper. Soon I feel into a peaceful slumber, feeling better then I have in days.


	3. Chapter 3

_You love simply because you cannot help it.  
~ by Kim Anderson ~_

**Chapter 3**

I awoke feeling much better. I guess I caught one of those 24 hour bugs. I looked over and saw Ichigo's bed empty. I slipped out of the closet and headed down stairs. When I reached the bottom I stopped.

"I just didn't know you swung that way, that's all!" I heard Kon's voice say.

"Oh, shut up! I shouldn't have even told you and lower your voice, I don't want to wake him," Ichigo said. I leaned against the wall and listened. Yeah, eavesdropping is rude, but I couldn't bring myself to reveal myself just yet. I held the now dry cloth up against my chest.

"Well, do you know if he even swings that way?" Kon said.

"Would you stop saying that!" I can tell Ichigo didn't sound very happy. I had an idea what "swing that way meant" but I didn't rush to conclusions.

"Fine, do you even know if Toshiro's gay?" I squeezed the cloth tighter now. There it was. Was I gay? Fuck, I didn't even know. I mean I have feelings for Ichigo, but like..........fuck.

"I......I don't know. I mean, it's not something you can really bring up in a conversation." Ichigo's voice sounded different. I heard him sigh. "I'm gonna go see how he's doing."

Before I knew it I was darting up the stairs and jumping in a closet. I quickly fixed the sheets and sat up.

"Ah, you're up," Ichigo said as he came into the room.

"Y-yeah, just woke up," I said in a quiet voice.

"Feeling any better?" he asked and placed a hand on my forehead. I could feel the blood rush to my head.

"Yeah, much better."

"That's good," he smiled "come on, I have breakfast ready down stairs."

It was a quiet breakfast, just the two of us. Kon had left to go upstairs to do god knows what, but he probably left us alone for a reason that involved his and Ichigo's talk before. Eating with my left hand was a little tricky, but I got the hang of it after a few tries.

"So, what do you want to do today?" Ichigo asked as he brought his dish to the sink.

"Um, I don't know, it doesn't matter," I said. My mind was racing at the moment.

"Hey, I know!" Ichigo said "We'll go to the beach!"

"The beach?"

"Yeah! Oh, but you'll need a suit. Mine are definitely to big. Then it's settled, we'll go to a clothes store then the beach!" Ichigo said with a big grin.

Seeing his smile made me feel warm inside, it was very weird.

"Okay," I said absentmindedly.

I looked at my self in the mirror. It was the first time I was actually looking at myself since the war. I rubbed my right shoulder and sighed. I shook my head to get my mind off it and looked down at my suit. The minute we walked into the store Ichigo immediately grabbed these off the rack. They were a sky blue with a dark blue dragon wrapped around the right leg. Now my mind wandered to Hyorinmaru. I haven't had any contact with him.

"Come on, you shouldn't be making Ichigo wait for you!" I said to myself as I grabbed a shirt and ran down stairs. Ichigo was waiting by the door with a bag filled with beach stuff.

"Ready?" he asked as he put on sunglasses. "Here," he handed me a pair. I put them on and my world turned to an icy blue color. I grinned.

"Heh, knew you'd like them." he said. "Well, my world is orange!" he said with pride. I let out a small laugh and saw his grin wide even more.

"And off we go!" he said as he kicked the door open.

The beach was nice and quiet. We set down are blanket and put our sunscreen on. Ichigo must've seen me have a little difficulty so he took it from me and put some on my back. That made my body tense up. I laid myself down and closed my eyes. The sea breeze felt nice. I began to doze off until Ichigo scooped me up in his arms.

"O-oi! What are you doing?" I asked.

"Time to swim!" Ichigo said as he lifted me over my head. Was I really that light? Damn I have to eat more.

"W-wait! Don't throw me in!" But it was to late. I have to say, the wind felt good as I flew through the air, but hitting the water ruined it. I coughed when I reached the surface and rubbed my eyes.

"Hahahah, you alright?" Ichigo asked as he swam towards me.

"Why'd you do that!?" I shouted, but he just grinned. I tried to keep my scowl, but he just kept grinning. I could feel the sides of my mouth twitching upwards. Before I could smile I splashed water in his face.

"Ahhh! Eww, it got in my mouth!" he said as he rubbed his eyes and spit into the ocean.

"Ew, that's disgusting!" I began to swim away, which wasn't that hard with one arm, but my feet just touched the bottom, too.

"Oh, no you don't!" Ichigo said as he grabbed me around the waist. We fooled around like two idiots for about 5 minutes until we discovered a little oasis like place surrounded by rocks. We took a seat, the sun was beginning to set.

"This is a cute little place," Ichigo said. "Man, I never thought I'd see such a playful side of you Toshiro."

I felt my face began heat up again. We sat in silent, I played with the sand, letting it run between my fingers.

"Toshiro, there's something I wanna say." I looked up. "Um, I-uh-I had a great time." he said.

I looked back down at the sand. "That's not what you wanted to say, is it?" I didn't wait for him to answer. "i over heard you and Kon. Ichigo I..............I have feelings for you. Feelings I don't understand just yet. Ichigo I........." I griped the sand in my hand. "I love you."

I felt a cool hand on my face and turn it. I looked into Ichigo's chocolate brown eyes.

"I've been feeling the same," he said. "It's like I can't even explain it, but when I'm around you, it's like ….....i don't know, it's just a wonderful feeling."

"Yeah, I know what you mean." I could feel his breath on my face, we were inching closer.

"Toshiro, I love you."

The space between us was closed as we embraced in a kiss as night engulfed us, bringing a brand new day.


	4. Chapter 4

"_I have never loved, 'til I first met you."_

_Source Unknown_

**Chapter 4**

_I'm getting closer. _

_So close, I can see the surface. _

_Soon, you will be no more._

_Soon, I WILL BE IN CONTROL!_

My eyes shot open as I nearly fell out of the bed. I was covered in a cold sweat and breathing heavily. What was that? That voice? I rubbed my eyes and figured it was just a dream. I turned and looked towards the sleeping figure next to me. Still out cold. I'm not surprised, after what we did last night. I looked for my discarded pajama pants and boxers. I picked them up from the floor and slid them on. I couldn't find my shirt anywhere, I figured it must be buried somewhere in the sheets. I quietly left the room and headed down stairs. I was still a little shaken up by that voice I heard before. It sounded just like me almost. I opened the fridge and pulled out a carton of orange juice, then went over to the cabinet and got a glass. I wasn't able to do things in one task anymore, since I couldn't really hold more then one thing at a time. That pissed me off a little, but I was getting used to it.

I carefully poured myself a glass. I put the juice back in the fridge and grabbed my glass. I walked over to the window to see what the weather was like, but I didn't expect to see what I saw. I couldn't suppress a yelp of surprise, not only that, but I also dropped my glass.

Seeing the face of Renji Abarai wasn't what I was planning. Let alone he was looking into the house like some type of rookie burglar would with his face pressed up against the glass. I was frozen for a moment, then I came to my senses. I felt a vain pop in my head as I headed towards the front door and swung it open.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" I shouted out the door.

Rukia Kuchiki was also there. I saw her blush a little, I had forgotten I was topless.

"Just get in," I said and moved for them to come in. I went into the kitchen to get some paper towel and began to clean up the juice and broken glass. I didn't even get a sip of it, that made me kinda sad.

"How are you feeling, Hitsugaya taicho?" Kuchiki had said as she closed the door.

"I've been better." I said as I threw away the glass a dirty towel. "So what brings you two here?"

"Hollow movement." Abarai said. "Haven't you felt it?"

I paused at this. I haven't really felt any reiatsu to be honest. "No, I haven't." Why should I lie?

"Well, we were sent here to just do some patrolling. We thought we'd see what Ichigo was up to."

"He's still asleep."

"Not anymore." said a voice from the stairs. "What's going on down here?" Ichigo said as he came down. I noticed he too has failed to find his shirt.

"They wanted to see what you were up to. I also broke a glass." I said as I went to sit down at the table.

"Hm, oh, that's okay. See what I was up to?" Ichigo said as he pulled out the orange juice and two glasses.

"Well, actually, we're patrolling the town. There's been an increase in the amount of hollow lately and Soul Society just wants to be safe." Kuchiki explained.

"I see," Ichigo poured me a glass as well as himself. I took a sip of juice, finally. It felt good sliding down my dry throat. Ichigo began to talk again but I couldn't quite understand what he was saying.

It was there again.

_I'm coming._

What is this?

_I'm getting closer._

You're not Hyorinmaru.

_I AM HYORINMARU! _

My eyes shot open. When had I closed them? I was staring into Ichigo's worried face, his hands on my shoulders. I noticed I was sweating again.

"Are you okay?" Ichigo asked in a soft voice. I glanced over at Kuchiki and Abarai, they also had worried looks on their faces.

"I'm.....gonna go take a shower," I said as I got up and ran upstairs. I closed the bathroom door and leaned against the wall panting. It was hurting me, my shoulder. I clutched it in pain and slide down the wall. Then I felt something. Something under my skin. I felt with my fingers the bottom of the stump that was my right arm. Something was there, under my skin, and I knew it wasn't bone. What the hell was this.

Guess there was only one way to find out.

I slipped out of the bathroom quietly, I could hear them talking down stairs. I went into one of Ichigo's drawers and found what I was looking for. A pocket knife. I went back into the bathroom and looked into the mirror. I felt where this thing was and positioned the knife there. I took a deep breath and cut. Fuck this hurt. Blood began to run down and drip into the sink. When I felt I've made a wide enough slit I placed the knife in the sink. I took deep breaths and began to feel around. That's when I felt it. It felt like glass almost. I wrapped my fingers around it and painfully slid it out. I couldn't make out what it was because it was covered in blood. I put the water on and began to rinse it off, completely ignoring my bleeding arm. I was very curious as to what it was. It looked like a shard. Wait. This couldn't be the---

"Toshiro!"

I jumped when I heard Ichigo call my name.

"What are you doing?!" he asked as he grabbed a towel and pressed it against my bleeding stump.

"Jezz, Toshiro what were you think?" I could tell Ichigo was worried.

"This was in me," I said as I lifted up the shard that now glistened purple in the light. I saw the shock in Ichigo's face. Then something I didn't expect happened, he grabbed it out of my hand and gave me a stern look.

"Oi!"

"Enough!" he shouted. I just stared at him. Did I make him angry? I looked away from his stern eyes and grabbed the towel holding it up to my cut. "I can do it myself!" If he was going to be nasty for no reason, then I was too.

"Toshiro..." His voice sounded softer.

"I can do it myself. You can go away now." I didn't look at Ichigo after that. I heard him get up and leave.

What just happened?

What the fuck just happened here?

After I bandaged myself up and cleaned everything up, I headed downstairs. I looked around and saw no one there. I walked over to the table where I saw a little note.

_Went to Urahara's quickly. Don't wait up if you're tired._

_Ichigo_

_P.S. I'm sorry_

I crumbled up the little note and headed upstairs. I quickly got dressed and headed out the door. I walked along the dark, quiet streets, lost in my own thoughts. I stepped into Urahara's shop, but I stopped when I heard voices. I identified each one as they spoke.

"He said it was inside him!" Ichigo.

"Inside him?" Abarai.

"But Ichigo, that's the Hogyoku, or at least a shard of it." Kuchiki.

"This could be bad. If that was in him, not only could there be more, but the shards could be feeding off his reiatsu. Or worst." This was Urahara. I could feel myself shaking. So it was the Hogyoku, but why the hell was it inside me? Were there more shards in other places of my body too?

"Worst?" Ichigo said. I could hear the deep concern in his voice. "What's going to happen to happen to Toshiro?!"

"The same thing that happened to you, Ichigo."

There was silence. What happened to Ichigo that can happen to me? Then he spoke.

"No, I won't let that happen."

"Ichigo, if it's already started they'll feel his reiatsu and come for him. Someone at his level of power going through this can't be left unintended."

I wanted to go in there and shout and demand to know what they were talking about, but I couldn't move.

"Ichigo," Kuchiki now spoke. "If it is happening, Shinji and the others can help him. They helped you, didn't they?"

Shinji, that name sounded familiar.

"Toshiro's not turning into a vizard!"

"Vizard?" The door swung open before I even realized I had spoken.

"Toshiro..." Was that fear in Ichigo's eyes?

"Vizard?" I said again.

"Why don't you come sit down." Urahara said.

He explained everything to me. How Aizen tried to use me after I had been defeated, how he tried to use the Hogyoku, how the Hogyoku shattered during his attempt.

"But why did it shatter?" I asked. My voice sounded distant, faint.

"That, we still don't know. Hitsugaya, I knew you to tell me something." I looked up at Urahara. "Have you been hearing a voice, a voice that is not your zanpakto?"

_What are you going to say? _

_I'm getting closer by the way. _

_So close, I can almost taste it. _

"Toshiro?" Ichigo placed a hand on my shoulder.

"It's getting closer, louder,.........and clearer." I said. Ichigo squeezed my shoulder and looked away, as did everyone else.

"Hitsugaya, why don't you get some sleep. I promise you we'll talk about it in the morning." Urahara said. I just nodded, I didn't know what else to do. Ichigo helped me up and Abarai and Kuchiki set out to patrol the town tonight. Ichigo lead me to a small room in the back of Urahara's shop. I set myself down on the futon and grabbed Ichigo's arm.

"Don't leave," I mumbled.

"I won't," he said as he bent down and hugged me tightly. "I never will. I promise, I'll take care of you."

I buried my face into Ichigo's chest. I was scared. I was scared of what was happening.

But I solved my puzzling feelings for Ichigo.

"I love you," Ichigo said.

"I love you, too," I said, and those word had the most truth in them then anything I have ever said.

In both my life and death.


	5. Chapter 5

_We can only learn to love by loving. _  
~ by Iris Murdoch ~

**Chapter 5**

"Hyorinmaru? Where are you?" I said as I walked around my vast, ice plain. I heard a soft chuckle echo in the air.

"Turn around," said a voice that had an echo itself. Whether I wanted to turn around or not, I did. I was met face to face with a wall of ice, staring into the eyes of my reflection. Except, it wasn't me. Those eyes. They were eyes of a hollow. The reflection smiled.

"I'm Hyorinmaru," it said.

"No," I whispered. I couldn't break away from its gaze. Those eyes. Those golden eyes.

"I'M HYORINMARU!"

My eyes burst open, I probably would've bolted up too if it wasn't for the heavy arm on top of my body. I panted as I turned my head. Ichigo was still asleep. He didn't leave. I gently lifted his arm off of me and stood up shakily. I rubbed my right arm, what was left of it that is, for the cut still stung a little.

"Ah, you're up," I heard Ichigo say. I turned. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay," I said as I turned to look out the window.

"Toshiro?" Ichigo said and placed his hand on my shoulder.

"I'm...going to get cleaned up," I said as I turned and left. After Urahara had given me spare clothes and pointed me to the shower, I turned on the water and let it roll down my back. Why was this happening to me? Did Soul Society now about it yet? What will they do? I squeezed my eyes shut and willed myself to forget them for now. They weren't here or involved yet, let me deal with what was. My thoughts traveled to my broken zanpakuto.

"Where are you Hyorinamru?"

I laid my head down on the table and thanked Tessai as he poured me a cup of tea. I didn't touch it. I knew that Ichigo was watching me with that worried look in his eyes. I just couldn't bring myself to put up an "I'm fine" act. So instead I decided to mope around in silence.

"Why don't you two go out for a walk? It's a beautiful day." Urahara suggested. I didn't move.

"How about it, Toshiro? Wanna go for a walk?" I turned my head so I was on my chin and look up at him. He had a small smile on his face, I couldn't help but mimic it.

"Sure," I said.

We walked in silence until we got to the park. We took a seat on a bench in front of a pond.

"You know," Ichigo said. "You're not alone in this," he said as he cautiously, since we were in public, wrapped his strong arm around my shoulder. I welcomed it. I felt safe. If this happened anytime before I probably would've pushed him off, saying I didn't need anyone to protect me.

But now, everything was different.

For better or worse, I still haven't decided.

But I had Ichigo now and that made me feel...happy? Safe? I wasn't sure about that yet either but I liked how it made me feel.

"Urahara said we'd talk, did he forget?" I asked.

"No, he didn't," he squeezed my shoulder tighter, "he just felt you needed some space."

I starred at the koi fish as they surfaced every now and then. "Lets head back." I said.

Urahara told me as much as he knew, which wasn't as much as I thought. Most likely there were more Hogyoku shards in my body and that they were either feeding off my reiatsu or breaking the barrier between me and hollow form. I figured it was the latter since I wasn't feeling weak from reiatsu loss.

"So I'm slowly turning into a hollow?"

"Yes," Urahara said, "but you don't have to. If you can learn to control it you won't become a hollow, but you won't be a shinigami anymore either."

"I'll be a vizard." Urahara nodded.

"Shinji was mentioned yesterday..."

"Yes, Shinji and his group of vizards know how to deal with the transformation, but their way is risky. You either control it or they kill you."

I pondered on this. "Sounds reasonable to me."

"Toshiro!" Ichigo said. "You don't have to do this."

"I don't have a choice and you know it Ichigo." I could tell Ichigo was fighting with himself, trying to come up with something to say, but he turned away from me. "Take me to Shinji," I said.

"A warehouse?" I asked as we stopped in front of one.

"Shouldn't judge a book by its cover," Ichigo said to me with a small smile as he pushed open the door and called out.

"What the hell do you want Ichigo? And what's with the one armed shorty?" said a girl who appeared before us. I held myself back from making any comment about the shorty or the one arm remark. If these people could help me I didn't want to piss them off. Even if they pissed me off. I needed their help.

"Now, now, Hiyori, be nice," a man with short, straight, blond hair said as he too, appeared. Then suddenly the girl took off her sandal and smacked the other guy in the face. I moved closer to Ichigo and clutched the bag which had Hyorinmaru's hilt in it tighter. After the hitting and yelling was done the blond man looked at me and smiled.

"Ah, I see why you're here."

"We need your help," Ichigo said.

"Really? Why should I help you?"

"Well, if you thought me going hollow was a bad thing, Toshiro going hollow would be just as bad."

There was tension in the air and I could hear my own heart beat against my chest. I began to feel dizzy and could feel sweat roll down my temple. I could hear Ichigo saying something but I couldn't make it out. I felt myself getting picked up and then everything went black.

I opened my eyes to a field of ice.

My field of ice.

I was concerned about why I was here, why I blacked out. Was I suppose to do something? Or just wait until I woke up?

"What do I do Ichigo?" I said to the cold air as I wrapped my arm around me. Then I realized Hyorinmaru was in my grasp. I looked down as the blade reflected the shock in my eyes.

"Hyorinmaru," I whispered.

"So you've come?"

I whirled around and came face to face with my pale, hollow-eyed self. I back up a few feet.

"Now, it's finally time to fight for dominance!" he said as he swung his own Hyorinamru down.

Reflexes saved me.

The force pushed me back. I steadied myself and took in my opponent.

"Your arm..." I said as I saw he mirrored me exactly, of course, apart from the hollow features.

"Well, when I kick your ass I don't want you complaining I was unfair," he said with a smirk.

So I had to fight him. This was a battle for control, for power.

"I sure as hell am not gonna lose." I said with strong determination. I can't deny I wasn't a little nervous. I haven't fought since I lost my arm so I was at a disadvantage, but I knew Ichigo had faith in me, even if he was against this.

"Really?"

"The war might be over, but my battle isn't."

"Heh, your battle will be over very soon." There was that smirk again.

"Yeah, but not in your favor." I said and mirrored his smirk.

The battle was far from short. I leaned against a block of ice as I tried to catch my breath and starred down at my right hand. It just...regenerated during the fight. It made me wonder what the hell was going on in the real world. I didn't have time to try and come up with a theory, hollow-me was on top of me constantly, I was lucky I could even take this breather. It didn't last long though as I heard the ice break and shatter behind me.

"Stop hiding!" he shouted as he slashed me across the chest. I jumped back and gasp for air. This couldn't go on much longer.

"Bankai!"

"Bankai!"

"So, you know it too?"

"Of course, I know everything you do," he said as he slashed Hyorinmaru and a wave of a black ice rushed towards me. My wings shielded me.

"You can't win!"

At this point.

I believed those words.

Then I thought of Ichigo. His smile. His warmth. His strength. His love.

"No..."

A sudden wave of power like I've never felt before engulfed me and blasted anything near away.

"What?"

"I just gained something that's grown to be very important to me and I'm not going to lose it to you!"

Blood covered my hand and I heard a groan. I looked up.

"Right in the the chest..." he said, the smirk long gone from his face. "Don't think that just because you defeated me now, it's over." He began to fade. "When I see the slightest waver in you, don't think I'll hesitate to take control."

"Don't worry," I said as I pushed the blade in deeper. "I won't give you the chance."

"Guess we'll just have to wait and see." There was that damn smirk and then I was engulfed in light.

It felt as if I was encased in glass and it shattered as I awoke. I fell to my knees as the last of the "glass" on my face shattered. Strong hands grabbed me as I was about to fall forward.

"Toshiro, can you hear me?" It was Ichigo.

I smiled.

"I beat him."

He smiled.

"Thanks to you," I could see the confused look on his face, but I passed out before anymore could be said.

I felt warm as I opened my my eyes.

"Ah, glad to see you awake little one."

I turned my head to a really large man sitting beside me. His hand was over my torso and glowed a soft orange. I felt a hand on my head and looked towards the other way.

Ichigo smiled down at me.

I frowned.

"What happened to you?" I asked, as I spotted bruises on his face. He continued to smile.

"Don't worry about me, I'll explain later. We would've explained everything to you before but you suddenly blacked out and your reaitsu flared and we had to get you down here before you...let loose. Shinji's still trying to figure out why it happened."

My groggy mind only processed some of what he said. I nodded as I closed my eyes, he was rubbing my head and it was making me drowsy. I slipped once again into sleep as I felt Ichigo lay a kiss on my forehead.


End file.
